if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
