I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
So much rum. So many feels.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
i think i just lost a toe
I just group texted a dick pic. Wonder who'll respond back first. Ashley Stacey or my stepmom
Randomize
