You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
