Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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