And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
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My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
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Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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