it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
