dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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