Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Randomize
