Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Randomize
