sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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