roommate just walked in on us. two and a half times. the half, she just knocked, sighed, and walked away.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
i now understand why vodka
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
