I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
