woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
You can't special order awesome
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Randomize
