I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Will exercising make me less horny?
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
