No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
