i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Question: should I be considering heels or is this the kind of night where I should plan on falling on my face regardless of my choice of footwear?
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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