You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
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