Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
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Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
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Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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