I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
