Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
