he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
