It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
3 2 1 whiskey
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
Randomize
