i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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