oh great. kentucky is ranked #1 in the country for child abuse. go us.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
Randomize
