you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
