Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Randomize
