Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
did i walk over a car last night?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
