Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
