I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
