My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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