i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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