I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
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