i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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