sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
