I puked a lego.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
