I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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