Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
