Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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