I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Randomize
