I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
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