Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
it was a whole new experience in the world of ball fondling
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
And then the night went full on bisexual.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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