I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
