im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
