i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
