Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
