Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
