True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
