I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
