god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
