When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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