If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
