I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
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