why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Randomize
