my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
