I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
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