Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Randomize
