i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
