My cat gives me a boner
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
Randomize
