Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
